Shortly after my wife’s passing I started doing a daily journal using Day One. My journaling didn’t last very long. Part of me thinks I should start doing it more. And I might.
Tonight I was looking through my old journal entries for some reason. Not sure why. Other than it was too damn cold outside to be social with the group I’m staying with.
It was interesting going down memory lane. Reading my thoughts from the months immediately after I was widowed. I literally haven’t read these entries since I created them. I wasn’t sure what I would find.
I came across the following entry dated 31 July 2013, which was 1.5 months after my wife passed. It pertains to a phone call I received from someone I’ve known since I was 21. I had emailed him about my wife’s passing and received a phone call back 9 days later.
My friend’s name has been changed in the entry below. Not that there is anything bad written about him, but rather because it doesn’t matter who it was that prompted me to write this entry and therefore a name isn’t necessary. And who wouldn’t want to have a friend named “Franklin”?
Franklin called today re: the email from the 22nd. It was GREAT to hear from him. I was beginning to wonder…
He said it took a while to digest. A while to reach out. I understand.
Franklin knew [my wife] about the same length of time as I did. He would have met her shortly after we started dating, and he was there for many of the good, and less good, times. Franklin went through a lot with [my wife] and I, so I totally get it. I understand. It is weird. Strange. Surreal. My new normal.
He said he didn’t know what to say. I told him I understand. I totally get it. I don’t know what to say. What to think. What to feel. What to do. What not to do. Who to turn to. Who is really there for me. Who pretends to be there for me. Who doesn’t give a shit. Who does.
This certainly isn’t the way that I expected my life to turn out. But that is the ‘great’ thing about life, isn’t it? You never know what is going to be around the next corner. Around the next bend. What surprises, good or bad, await you just ahead.
For someone who has never been good at showing emotions, this is all new, strange, bizarre, to me. I suddenly feel like I can be emotional. I should be emotional. That it is OK to let others know how you are feeling. To let others know you have feelings. To let other know that you are vulnerable. To let others know you can cry.
Wow! Just had a good cry there. Been a while. Much needed. I think I feel better. For now. I am sure that won’t be the last.
Anyhow, it was great to hear from Franklin today. We will be talking much more frequently.
While that was written 3.5 years ago, much, if not all, of it still rings true.
I still don’t know what to say when someone says they are sorry. I still wonder how I’m supposed to be feeling. What I should be doing.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m better than I was 3.5 years ago. It’s just that there are question marks about certain things. These question marks might never go away. I’m not sure they are supposed to.
So I’ll keep going on being emotional. Doing the best I know. And enjoying life as it presents itself because it can be too damn short.