Forgiving Myself

This is a deeply personal post that I almost didn’t publish. After crying many tears. After completing and re-reading many times. After much contemplation, I have decided to publish it in the hopes that it might help one other person. I feel much better after putting these words down and I know that they will be here for me to reference in the future. I imagine part of my not wanting to publish this post is that I don’t want to be judged for my actions that I am willing to admit to. But I know they were only human actions and we all do things we regret. Maybe some of you would have been stronger than me in a similar situation which is great, but I think many of us would make many of the same mistakes I did. Have similar regrets. And it is for those of us that I publish this post.

______________________________________________________________________

An important date is rapidly approaching which is causing me to reflect on the past 22 months. Specifically the 10 months when my wife was ill. And the way I treated her, which wasn’t always perfect. There were times I wish I could take back.

I imagine this is normal given the circumstances. To reflect back. To consider your actions. To have regrets. To wish you could have a redo on certain things. To beat yourself up over what you did, or didn’t, do.

Most times over the past year when I remember my wife I remember her being ill. I remember certain circumstances. Certain situations. Some of which I have regrets about. Looking back with 20-20 hindsight I wish I had acted differently at some times. I wish I had more compassion. More patience.

I don’t know if at times I was tired of dealing with my wife’s illness – of being her caretaker – and had a short fuse. Or if I was just showing my human side. My imperfect side. I don’t know what it was but it makes me sad. Very, very sad.

This is incredibly hard to write. Very emotionally draining. I am using a lot of tissues. It is very tiring. But it has to be written/said.

I am writing this post for purely selfish reasons. It is extremely personal. And painful. I am writing this because I need to forgive myself. I have never professed to be perfect as I certainly am not. I have many regrets in life as I am sure we all do. And the way I treated my wife at times during her illness are the biggest regrets I have. They are the ones that pain me. They are the ones that I need to grant myself forgiveness for.

For every action I regret I know I did many very nice things for her, but it is the regretful actions that I remember. That pain me. That haunt me.

When I would see how courageous my wife was through her illness I would marvel at her strength. I was constantly telling her how proud I was of her. How much of a trooper she was. She would then say how much of a trooper I was for helping her. I am not so sure about that. I wish I could of done more. I wish I did more. I wish I was a better person. I wish I didn’t have regrets.

I need to figure out how to forgive myself. How to have good thoughts about my wife. How to no longer think about the things I regret doing. The actions I regret doing.

I wish I had found superhuman strength at the times when I wasn’t so nice. I wish I wasn’t so human at the times the human side I am not so proud of came through.

I must forgive myself. I will forgive myself. I do forgive myself. I know my wife would have. She wouldn’t want me to feel this way. She would want me to learn from the past and become a better person for future relationships. For myself.

I forgive myself.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s