This is a deeply personal post that I almost didn’t publish. After crying many tears. After completing and re-reading many times. After much contemplation, I have decided to publish it in the hopes that it might help one other person. I feel much better after putting these words down and I know that they will be here for me to reference in the future. I imagine part of my not wanting to publish this post is that I don’t want to be judged for my actions that I am willing to admit to. But I know they were only human actions and we all do things we regret. Maybe some of you would have been stronger than me in a similar situation which is great, but I think many of us would make many of the same mistakes I did. Have similar regrets. And it is for those of us that I publish this post.
An important date is rapidly approaching which is causing me to reflect on the past 22 months. Specifically the 10 months when my wife was ill. And the way I treated her, which wasn’t always perfect. There were times I wish I could take back.
I imagine this is normal given the circumstances. To reflect back. To consider your actions. To have regrets. To wish you could have a redo on certain things. To beat yourself up over what you did, or didn’t, do.
Most times over the past year when I remember my wife I remember her being ill. I remember certain circumstances. Certain situations. Some of which I have regrets about. Looking back with 20-20 hindsight I wish I had acted differently at some times. I wish I had more compassion. More patience.
I don’t know if at times I was tired of dealing with my wife’s illness – of being her caretaker – and had a short fuse. Or if I was just showing my human side. My imperfect side. I don’t know what it was but it makes me sad. Very, very sad.
This is incredibly hard to write. Very emotionally draining. I am using a lot of tissues. It is very tiring. But it has to be written/said.
I am writing this post for purely selfish reasons. It is extremely personal. And painful. I am writing this because I need to forgive myself. I have never professed to be perfect as I certainly am not. I have many regrets in life as I am sure we all do. And the way I treated my wife at times during her illness are the biggest regrets I have. They are the ones that pain me. They are the ones that I need to grant myself forgiveness for.
For every action I regret I know I did many very nice things for her, but it is the regretful actions that I remember. That pain me. That haunt me.
When I would see how courageous my wife was through her illness I would marvel at her strength. I was constantly telling her how proud I was of her. How much of a trooper she was. She would then say how much of a trooper I was for helping her. I am not so sure about that. I wish I could of done more. I wish I did more. I wish I was a better person. I wish I didn’t have regrets.
I need to figure out how to forgive myself. How to have good thoughts about my wife. How to no longer think about the things I regret doing. The actions I regret doing.
I wish I had found superhuman strength at the times when I wasn’t so nice. I wish I wasn’t so human at the times the human side I am not so proud of came through.
I must forgive myself. I will forgive myself. I do forgive myself. I know my wife would have. She wouldn’t want me to feel this way. She would want me to learn from the past and become a better person for future relationships. For myself.
I forgive myself.